Australia just had a quarter of negative growth....

 

1 more and we might have a recession!

I'll call out racists whenever I see them and even when I don't

Under my leadership anyone who mentions the word Muslim will rightly be branded as the filthy racist they are. The word Muslim is a racist term used to brand Muslims and I won't tolerate it's use...by anyone remotely associated with the right

I don't want foreign workers taking Aussie jobs, yes I do? I'm backflipping on backpacking

I'm standing up for Aussie workers in my new Trump phase.

It's unacceptable that foreign workers come in on 457 visas and take jobs from Aussie workers. (I issued around 70,000 alone in a year)  I think I said there's over a million 457 visa holders currently taking Aussie jobs right now. (The real number is in fact 94,890).

I've never been good with numbers!

But it's ok for foreign workers to take Aussie jobs if they're backpackers and pay bugger all tax. Makes sense to me!

My vision for Australia is Bill Shorten as PM, it's as simple as that...

Now that inspiring vision can’t come without a little help from my friends.

I had an epiphany as I flew down to the Beaconsfield Mine disaster in Tassy in the private jet I’d got my hands on. This private jet thing is for me, I want Bill Shorten to be the most powerful man in Australia. Now I was never going to do that using any commercial enterprise, I’ll do it via the public purse and some help from my mates.

My Australia obviously needs to pay off those who bankrolled me and my newly found constituency -  ignorant, xenophobic, welfare dependent Aussie battlers who don't want a job but equally don't want some foreigner doing it!

• Forget $100,000 degrees when unskilled CFMEU tradies pull CEO dollars. That will make Australia Great Again.
• Forget the poor bastards struggling in other Industries, if your Union can’t help me then sorry I can’t help you.
• Forget foreign workers, you're threatening CFMEU jobs
• Forget business, you can pay more tax to sponsor my welfare led growth strategy

I'm trumping at the bit to divide Australia to Make Bill Great Again

Those poor bastards in the Latrobe Valley need the support of anti greenies like me

Call it my Trump period, but I really believe I too could shoot someone and not lose votes or the ABC. I feel like Nadia Comaneci doing her perfect 10 gymnastics routine at times.

Get this, I give the Hazelwood boys $500 million to keep it open in 2012-13, you know protect jobs of the brothers - the mighty CFMEU. That was after we ranted on about shutting down the dirtiest coal plants a few years earlier.

For the election I figured more votes in greenies so bugger me we went with 50% renewables by 2030. 50%, nice number a bit each way just like me.

Well those silly French owners then got hammered by Daniel, taking our policy before the policy before last approach and scared them off. If they'd waited 6 months I'd be somewhere else on policy but no, they have to ruin it.

My CFMEU Comrades shafted by me and Dan. No way!

So I don my Trump and head down the Valley.

"Not my fault boys, in fact I'm no rampant greenie!"  Was gonna say climate change is a Chinese conspiracy but not sure the boys would get it.

Anyway it worked. No damage to brand Bill - Let's make Bill Great Again intact. Off for a massage those backflips take a small toll.

The message I don't get..

Donald's barking mad and there's a bit of Donald in me!

Even though I called him barking mad I can't help but admire his raging rhetoric and add my touch. It's handy I'm so flexible around my beliefs. Us populists have to stick together.

As I said when I called him barking mad “I think the views he has are not views which sit comfortable with the mainstream of Australian opinion. I think that he represents a turn towards politics which is going to be destabilising for America."

“I don’t believe in a divisive nation. I don’t believe in dividing the nation. I don’t believe in setting up one group of people against another group of people. I have a different world view."

That lasted four days, today I criticised migrant workers taking Aussie jobs at lower pay rates, I promoted a divided Australia where the country no longer works for ordinary people, with mass disadvantage the Australian way except for the rich and corporations.

An aspiring view of Australia and a brilliant plan to get me elected PM.

I govern for the mighty Trade Union movement

I'll not hear a bad word about the CFMEU, not while they're giving millions to keep me going.  The lovely working people of the CFMEU want to help me govern the country and I think that's a great thing for Australian democracy....more diversity within the Labor party is a good thing.

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/cfmeu-officials-brazen-calltoarms-for-alp-influence/news-story/0670aaea504cc1715d9cd8f7bf707282

Housing prices will plunge when I finally get the big job

Can't believe the Libs rolling out housing affordability, that's my baby.

Little Chris Bowen and I had the answer, cut negative gearing and all of the sudden prices drop, supply increases and everyone gets the home of their dreams in the suburb they choose.

Not sure what these clowns don't get.

Chris has a fantastic history of developing great policy.....but never in government.
 
House and Land in Toorak or Vaucluse dirt cheap, I've got the answer!

MY POSITION IS CLEAR

 

 

 

I love a Royal Commission but plebiscites are way too expensive...

The Christian Lobby loves me....

The Australian Christian Lobby has thanked me for playing a "helpful" and "important" role in its plan to stop same-sex marriage, after I committed Labor to blocking the Turnbull government's proposed plebiscite.

ACL managing director Lyle Shelton, one of the highest-profile campaigners against marriage equality, enthused that Mr Shorten had delivered "the gift of time" to same-sex marriage opponents by torpedoing the planned February 11 public vote.

Wow, ringing endorsement from the Christians! I never thought.

Being a cheap populist I'll take any love I can get.

God bless Bill Shorten, I may even go to Church on Sunday.

Democracy only works in some votes.....

What I said about our democratic process after the election: 

'Therefore I want to thank the Australian people. When we look at the world around us, it is fantastic that the Australian people can settle their political disagreements in thousands of school halls over sausage sizzles voting in ballot boxes.'  

What I say about the people's vote on same sex marriage: 

“Let me be as blunt as possible: a No campaign would be an emotional torment for gay teenagers and if one child commits suicide over the plebiscite, then that is one too many. Mr Speaker”

I'm all for a plebiscite as long as we only have a Yes campaign.

My little Sammy off to the babysitters...boy I miss him

I talk big about accountability and strong governance but my Union heart says there's nothing wrong with leaning on someone to fix your personal bills. I almost made a career out of it.

My little baby minister Sammy was naughty, he made a mistake and he admitted it. He even declared it, so why should I make Sammy walk?

He's suffered enough - he missed at least 15 hours of media appearances and his Chinese mates are likely to cut him off now. It will cost him a fortune.

I saw nothing wrong, he only leaned on an education arm of the Chinese government to pay his personal bill and he then opposed our official position on a major foreign policy issue to favour the Chinese government. A man of high moral standards, a man after my own heart.

I couldn't bring myself to get rid of little Sammy, he's off to the babysitter for a change of nappy and a wipe. He'll be back, as he's got plenty to offer Australia?

We did, in fact I'm sure we did

Everyone knows I make it up, so please don't verbal me

Who does that homophobic Anglican think he is?

He accuses me of saying anyone opposing same sex marriage comes from under a rock. Of course I said it but I won't have it shoved back at me by some homophobic, under-rock dwelling, Anglican god botherer.

My position on same sex marriage is clear, I oppose whatever Malcolm Turnbull wants to do.

Anyone who wants to debate this is a homophobe and the Australian people couldn't get a general election right so there's no chance they'll land a plebiscite.

All the LGBTI's I meet want it, overwhelming support. I'm convinced the majority of Australian's want it, I just don't want to ask them.

Really, the last thing this country needs is an open debate on a major public issue. Who wants to hear an opposing view from the rock dwelling homophobes anyway? Debates generally lead to one side getting upset, I don't think Australian's can deal with that.

Let's see democracy at work as I get my team to tow the party line and drive this baby home.

 

No No No....I won government and I should be PM

Despite the second worst primary vote in history for Labor I rightly declared myself the winner of the last election. A sort of PM in exile.

 

I did my lap of honour, the media embraced my comeback and for all intents and purposes I won the election.

 

If it wasn't for the Australian people I'd be PM now

I'm in stage one of my Prime Ministership and I intend to implement all my policies, except the budget savings one's I grabbed from the Liberals - not even I believed my bullshit on those!

The same sex plebiscite is off, carbon tax is coming back, we'll up spending, tax the rich and filthy business owners, look after my crooked buddies in the Unions and the best thing about it - it's all Malcolm's fault...the more I screw up this country the better my chance of becoming PM.

And that's all that matters!

At one point I almost believed my own bullshit

As one of my heroes George Costanza once said, "it's not a lie if you believe it" and in the finish I almost did.

I've never been one who's big on integrity, ask Kevin & Julia, but Malcolm's plan to upgrade the Medicare payment system was likely to lead to a full collapse of Medicare, the closure of every hospital bed in Australia and Doctors abandoning their BMW's and heading straight for the airports.... all within a week of the coalition being re-elected.

Give me credit, millions of Australians believed it.

Leigh Sales was on to me -

fortunately my moronic constituency were watching cat videos on 7Mate  

 

http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2016/s4488065.htm

Kevin is the best man to run the World.....seriously

Kevin is an Aussie and he speaks Chinese so he's the best qualified person I know to head up the United Nations. Forget that I once knifed him, he should lead the world...... I'm serious!

 

Flexible Bill - a man of real conviction

Aboriginal youth knows Bill is there to save you

Four Corners finished at 9.20pm and I was at the airport at 9.45pm to catch my flight to Darwin.

I couldn't get hold of a private jet this time, but just like I personally oversaw the rescue of Brant and Todd on Morning TV ten years ago, I knew I could do the same for these poor lads.

I rang Karl and Kochie at midnight and said I'd be there, outside the Don Dale Detention Centre from 6am. Ready for live crosses, I'd even do the weather on the half hour. 

 

Flexible Bill, the people's populist would discover Aboriginal Youth Detention and make it mine on Breakfast TV!

I'd nail the NT government and not politicise much of this shameful incident that occurred under Labor and my new local member. I'd talk that soft Elmer Fudd thing I do and she'd nod in background.

I'm here for you Aboriginal youth, at least until the press leave.